Fragile
by nothingbutwords
Summary: She says she is fine, yet behind locked doors she is nothing but broken. Survival is sometimes the hardest story. Post Frostbite. trigger warning for self harm.
1. Chapter 1

SUMMARY: She says she is fine, yet behind locked doors she is nothing but broken. Survival is sometimes the hardest story. Post Frostbite. trigger warning for self harm.

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE || fragile**

* * *

"Rose, I've been looking for you."

I turn around and see Mason. He isn't smiling, but the sight of him sends waves of relief and through my body. I almost fall to my knees with shock and confusion, but manage to stand still.

Mason is one of my best friends. He's always been there for me, no matter what. He always makes me happy. He's dead, but he's here. My best friend is here with me.

"Mase?" I whisper. My voice almost cracks, so I swallow and push back my emotions. "I thought you were dead." I smile suddenly, thinking _he's fine, he's alive. _

"Come here. I need to tell you something." His face is strangely impassive, the words almost spoken robotically. But that doesn't matter. His gentle red hair and quiet blue eyes assure me that he is real. Without thinking, I take the short two strides to meet him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. He isn't warm like I expected, but he still smells like Mason- safe and protecting. I close my eyes, breathing him in.

It takes me a few moments to notice he has not moved. Instead of holding me like usual, his arms are still and stiff by his sides. "Mase?" I open my eyes, finally taking in my surroundings. We're in Spokane, bounded by dark walls. The floor is smeared with blood.

I try to jerk out of his arms, but suddenly he is holding me in an almost vice-like clutch. His fingers are gripping my arms so tightly that I begin to wince. "Mason." I mutter. I try to slap him, but he doesn't budge. I'm locked in his metal embrace, my blood pounding like the fear that is shooting through my body. "Mason!"

I cry out when he presses the sharp end of a stake against the back of my neck. His eyes are no longer quiet, but screaming, Deadly and without mercy; he has the eyes of a killer. I whimper at the burning feeling of the stake and he pushes it even harder.

My knees fold out from underneath me, my whole body withering from the stabbing sensation. "Why?" I cry out, my eyes burning.

"It's all your fault. You killed me!"

I feel the stake as it pierces my skin. My scream is cut from my throat, stuck on the stake as if it holds broken barbed wire. Everything goes red. It hurts so much; I can't even make a noise. I just fall to the ground, shaking and shuddering and choking on tainted blood.

_You killed me._

I wake up feeling drained. I look at the alarm clock beside me and cringe when I notice I've only had a couple hours sleep. It's been like this for the last few days. Sleep is pretty much unattainable now that I'm constantly plagued by nightmares.

The school is forcing me back into training today, which should be considered some type of child cruelty. I groan and push myself out of bed, persuading myself that I can face the day.

* * *

"Hey there, comrade." I force a smile and walk into the training room. I try to ignore the fact that I'm tempted to crawl on the floor and go to sleep, but the practise mats are looking increasingly comfy.

Dimitri turns and gives me a small smile when he spots me. His hair is tied back from his face; a few lose strands hanging over his eyes. He brushes them back and goes to stand in front of me. His eyes become immediately concerned, so I nervously glance down to the floor. Embarrassment floods my cheeks when I realize how much of a mess I look like. My eyes are dangerously shadowed; not even Lissa's magic concealer could save me from this one. Not to mention my hair is pulled back in a damp ponytail- the ends still matted together and in need of a strong brush.

"It's so much easier to train after a good night's sleep." He sighs.

I nod and give him another smile, hoping I'm more convincing this time. He guides me along beside him, his warm hard resting on my lower back. Guilt makes me want to pull away from him- Mason would be sad to see somebody else by my side.

"20 laps of the field. We'll run together." Dimitri tells me. I know he's going easy on me, but I push back the annoyance the best that I can. We warm up quickly and step outside. It's freezing, but I bite back the cold. As we run, the steady burn warms up my body. I pump my legs and arms at a comfortable pace. We stop too soon, but Dimitri says that he doesn't want me to 'wear myself out'.

"I'm not going to die if I do a few more laps," I complain- wanting to release all my negativity into a longer run.

"It's cold. We should practice with stakes." He passes me one from inside of his bag and I take it gently.

A shudder runs through me when I remember the feel of it on my neck, the cold blood running down my back and staining my skin.

"Are you cold, Rose?" Dimitri asks. When I look up, he has a careful face of concern.

"Stop it." I tell him, sadness accidentally weaving it's way into my words. "Stop treating me like I'm some fragile little girl." I immediately regret my words, knowing he's just caring about me, but don't bother to take them back. All he has done since I have got here is look at me with his 'I'm just concerned' face. I can handle a run, a fight, anything. He knows that really. All everyone has done since I have returned is worry about me, and I realize now that I am sick of it.

I don't realize I'm crying until it is too late. Dimitri softly cups my face in his hands and forces my eyes to meet his. "You can act like you're okay, Roza, but I know you are hurting. You can talk to me."

I get the sudden urge to tell him the truth. Dimitri has always understood me, no matter how seemingly small the problem. Swallowing back my pride of staying strong, I let my words fall out of my mouth.

"I don't want to be weak." My vision blurs with tears as I speak. I sniffle feebly. "I'm scared that I'll never be happy again. Nothing will ever be the same... Mase always knew how to fix everything... he knew how to make everyone laugh." _I killed him, it's my fault._

Dimitri wraps me in his arms, shielding me. I start to shake, feeling I'm disrespecting Mason by being in his arms. "Everything's going to be okay. I promise."

"No. It's not." I sob, pushing him away. "That's all everyone is telling me, but they don't know anything." His words annoy me. I've heard them repeated so many times this past week that they just mean nothing to me.

Dimitri reaches out to me, like the distance hurts him. I slap away his hand, taking another step back. "You don't know anything." I tell him. "All I can feel is just… this."

"Feel what?" He whispers. He's afraid of my reply. More guilt wracks my body with sobs- I shouldn't be bothering him with this. I'll just frighten him away.

"Roza? What do you feel?" His eyes are kind, so I look away once again. I don't deserve his kindness. "Roza."

I hear his footsteps coming towards me, and then his lips are on mine. He pulls away almost instantly, but he's still holding my face. I want to cry harder, but instead I speak.

"Guilt. Nothing but guilt. Nothing at all. I'm empty."

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_A/N Hello! This is my first ever Vampire Academy fanfiction, so I hope you enjoy it. It's quite hard for me to write some of it, but I will try my best. It should have really quick updates (everyday, I'm aiming for) and be finished as soon as I can. Some parts will be a bit OOC, just because I find it really difficult to write exact characters. Also, some parts will not be completely accurate. For example, when Mason died, his ghost only stayed for 30 days (I think) but I'll use the idea that he can only leave the Earth when his soul has found peace. Just go with it. ;) Also, to make the story fit, Rose and Lissa have pretty much figured out the bond- so they know about the darkness and Rose taking it away._

_Reviews and constructive criticism would be lovely!_

_Also, sorry my summary is a bit bland at the moment. I'm trying to think of a better one. :)_


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO || fragile**

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"Rosemary Hathaway. I thank you for gracing us with your presence today." Stan Alto grins at me from the front of the class. "Could you at least pay attention?"

I swallow, hating how everyone had turned around to face me. "Since when do I pay attention?" I grin back before winking at him. "I knew you were missing the Hathaway charm."

Alto isn't grinning anymore. "Answer question eighteen." I continue smiling and look down at my text book. I pause. _What is that? _After taking half a second to decide I have no idea of the answer, I look up.

"Just stab it with a stick." I say simply, like he is asking me the easiest question possible. The class stifles their laughs, which makes me smirk.

"So, if you happen to come across a Strogoi location, you are going to stab it with a stick?" Alto groans and I hear louder laughs.

I nod encouragingly. "Wouldn't you?"

Stan begins to glare at me until the classroom is completely silently. "I have no idea how you survived that little stunt you pulled, but if you would have been listening in past lessons, maybe you could have come out of it accompanied with one more novice."

All of my come backs get stuck in my throat, pulled down the never ending guilt of Mason's death. "I know," I whisper under my breath when everyone stops staring. I look down and keep my eyes locked there until the end of the class. "I know."

* * *

"Hey, Rose." Lissa sits down beside me in the lunch hall, tying her hair in a long ponytail. "I haven't seen you recently. Where have you been hiding?"

"I've been sleeping and eating," I lie. "Making the most out of my lesson pass." I grin and take a large bite out of my doughnut, making Liss smile and roll her eyes. I chew and swallow, then ask where fire boy has gone.

"I'm meeting him in the chapel in a moment." She blushes. "I just came to say sorry for not being able to sit here today, but I could stay but Christian is expecting me but I miss you and-"

"Liss. Go. You're mumbling." I tell her, laughing. I try not to let my mask slip, even though all the smiling feels wrong on my face.

"I love you, Rose." She says, practically jumping out of her seat to go and find him.

When she is gone, I awkwardly throw away my whole food tray, appetite nonexistent. I feel lonely and empty. If it wasn't for my breakdown in front of Dimitri earlier, I might have gone to try and find him.

I sigh and wander out of the cafeteria, thinking it's a good time to skip class, while not looking forward to my training session later.

"Hey there, Hathaway." Jesse grabs my arm and forces me to face him. "How's it going?" He smirks.

I glare and say nothing_. Let go of me_.

"You'll never guess what I heard about you today." He almost sings. My curiosity gets the best of me and my evil look falters. "Interested?"

I purse my lips, debating whether or not to just leave.

"Well, apparently you had a bit of a moment with Dimitri earlier." He winks. My heart stops for a moment. He knows about Dimitri kissing me.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Jesse. Let go of me before I hit you." Immediately he loosens his grip, but his cocky expression never fades.

"See you later, Hathaway."

As soon as he lets go, I roll my fist into a punch and hit the side of his face. My knuckles burn as they push and scrape against his skin. He staggers back, blood beginning to drip down his nose. It feels good. Then burn, the adrenaline. My fingers ache in protest, but it isn't a bad feeling.

Everyone around us is openly staring; some of them chuckling at Jesse's angered and startled expression. Blood runs down to his lips, so he wipes it away with the back of his hand.

I click all my fingers, making sure my hand is okay, and then I grin meanly at Jesse. "Stay the hell away from me, Zeklos."

I walk backwards, trying to look threatening, and then I spin on my heel- getting out of there as soon as possible.

"You will regret this, bitch!" He screams behind me. "You broke my nose!"

I laugh falsely. "Maybe it will be an improvement! You can thank me later!"

When I reach my room, I unlock the door, walk in as calmly as possible, and slam it shut. Jesse knows about me and Dimitri. He said I'll regret it. Oh God. What have I done?

I ignore my stinging eyes and wander into the bathroom. Trying to forget everything that just happened, I press by back against the wall and slide down. I pull my thighs to my chest, hugging my legs and hiding my head in the crevice of my knees. What if Dimitri gets fired for kissing me? He was trying to comfort me; this is my entire fault.

I can't live without him.

Suddenly I'm sucked into Lissa's head. I'm kissing Christian, well, she's kissing Christian. For a moment, all I can think of is how fire boy is actually a pretty amazing lover. He always looks after Liss, always makes her happy.

Jealously floods against me and I pull out of her head. I'm back in the bathroom, cold and abandoned.

Why can't I be with Dimitri? Why do I have to be a stupid guardian?

As soon as it's almost time for my training session with Dimitri, I charge out of my room and resist the urge to run to the hall to get to him.

When he sees me, relief crosses his features. I stand confidently in front of him, whether it's from the adrenaline from punching Jesse or my tiredness or just from the lust I felt while in Lissa's head, I'm not sure. I just know that I need to try. I have a plan.

"Dimitri, I wanted to say sorry." I tell him.

"What for? You don't need to apologise to me-"

"No, I'm not sorry for freaking out." I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry for not kissing you back earlier."

I lean forwards and wrap my arms round his neck, pressing my mouth softly to his. He doesn't react, so I slowly take his bottom lip in mine. I kiss him more urgently. Still nothing. I push back the guilt of Mason that is rising again and focus on Dimitri.

With cautious hands, he gently pushes me away. "Rose… we can't."

"But-"

"No Rose."

Rejection makes me suddenly feel heavy and awkward. I bite my lip, and then explode. "Why did you kiss me earlier then? Do I mean nothing to you? Why can't you just stop pretending? I know you care about me! You told me!"

"I'm sorry." He says simply.

I open and close my mouth, unable to think of any words to say.

"You're bleeding," Dimitri sighs, taking my hand and assessing my knuckles. They're grazed and bloody- I hadn't even noticed until now.

"You should see the other guy." I laugh uneasily. I pull away my arm and rub some of the blood off on my jeans. It burns for a moment, so I focus on that instead of the judgemental expression on my mentors face. It helps me ignore the brown eyes of disappointment that are aching through me.

"Rose." Dimitri sighs.

"Jesse knows. He told me he knew what happened in our last training session. I'm sorry I-"

"That's my fault." He cuts me off. "Jesse heard me talking to Alberta about you."

Shock makes me rock back on my heels slightly. "You told her you kissed me? What the actual-?"

"No. I told her you were upset. She suggested grief counselling. I think it's a really good idea for you, after everything."

I stand, shocked to my core. "No." I say, almost shouting the word. "No way! And you don't go spreading stuff about me behind my back! She's going to think I'm some kind of weak-"

"No, Rose. She's worried. We all are. Maybe you need help getting over Mason's-"

"Don't say it. Don't you dare. I don't want to 'get over it'. He is one of my best friends- I will not just forget and disrespect him like that!" I shout and slap him angrily on the chest. "And now Jesse knows I was upset! Do you realize how much he will use that against me?"

"I'm sorry." He whispers without leaving my gaze.

"I'm going back to my room now."

He nods. I feel his eyes on me the whole way out of the room.

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_A/N So, I was completely asdfghjkl-ing when I saw the feedback from the first chapter. Literally, I almost burst into tears. Your reviews really do mean a lot to me. Thank you thank you thank you. :D I might have time to update later, but I have coursework to finish for tomorrow, so I'm not sure. :) Anyways, I will definitely update tomorrow after school! :) I love you all, you lovely people reading this. :')_

_Reviews and constructive criticism make me write faster. ;)_


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE || fragile**

* * *

"Hathaway! There you are!" Jesse runs to catch up to me. He walks backwards in front of me. I resist the lovely temptation to push him over and give him a pissed off smile.

"Lovely nose, Jesse. Come to thank me? I've been waiting weeks. Where are your manners?"

His nose is crooked slightly- although some would argue it gave him a 'hard' look, I think it just made him look even more of an annoying idiot. I inwardly smile, proud of my punch.

"Ha-ha, you're so pathetic, Hathaway." He starts mimicking my voice in a cringe-worthy high pitched tone. "I'm so empty, Dimitri! Fill me with your-"

"Shut up, Zeklos." I bite. "Don't make me punch you again. You know I will."

"Finally!" He shouts, seeming victorious. Throwing his hands in the air, he gives me another smirk. "A reaction from Hathaway! Not empty anymore? I know a few guys that would willingly fill you up!" He winks at me and I swallow the bile rising in my throat.

"You're disgusting." I cringe away from him. "Get out of my way."

"No, I like it here, actually." He stands so close to me, our chests are almost touching.

"Really?" I whack him quickly in the gut, making him gasp long enough for me to make an escape. "Goodbye, Zeklos."

"See you later!" His voice is strained from the hit, which gives me slight comfort- but I know he will come back to annoy me. He always does.

* * *

"Hey, Liss. Sorry I wasn't there at lunch. I had some more extra training to do. I'll see you in the morning. Love you." After I lie to Lissa about my disappearances, I put my phone down on my bed and walk into the bathroom. I press my hand on the cold glass and look in the mirror.

I look different. I feel different. I recognize myself as a stranger.

_Who are you?_

Not Rosemary Hathaway, kick ass guardian. But just Rose. _Weak, emotional, freak, murderer_. I killed Mason_. _It should have been me instead of him, he didn't deserve it.

He died three weeks ago now, and the time between then has been nothing short of mechanics. I wake up, get ready, train, work, and sleep. My relationships with my friends are becoming strangely forced, but I can't find it in me to try and connect with them.

Lissa is with Christian. She's happy. Eddie is busy becoming the best guardian possible, better than me. And then there's Dimitri. Our relationship has becoming completely static. Frozen and robotic. Soon enough we will begin talking about the weather. Even our kicks and punches together when training are less of a dance and more of constructed clockwork.

My eyes in the mirror look empty. My whole expression is just… blank. I try to smile at myself, but it looks too weird.

I feel the urge to smash the mirror with my fist and before I can laugh about how ridiculous that would be there is glass flying against my face. I wince and shake my suddenly blooded hand, staring at the pieces of the mirror that are now embedded in my skin.

I laugh, manic and loud. I feel like a character straight out of a bad Hollywood movie- smashing the mirror because her life is 'oh so hard'. The thought makes me laugh louder.

I bite my lip, wondering if anyone had heard it, but when nobody comes rushing into the dorm I manage to relax.

The floor is covered in broken pieces, but cleaning up can wait. I sit myself down in the middle of the mess, crossing my legs like an innocent child. I feel the glass sticking to me like glue.

My leg looks so clean against the chaos and for a moment I wonder what it would be like to take a jagged piece of mirror and drag it across my ankle. I remember how Lissa felt using her razors, the control and relief and adrenaline that she felt.

It's a stupid thought. Irresponsible and selfish, but I can't help it. I'm curious.

The broken piece of glass feels foreign in my hands; too light for something that came from such destruction. I press it against my skin and for a moment the bite of the edge distracts all the thoughts and memories in my mind. It's weird and different, but I can't go back now- I have to know what it feels like. It made Liss feel better, so maybe it would make me feel better.

It aches and stings as I push it through caught skin, but my face is completely calm. It hurts, but it feels… not bad. It's not like a training accident or a scratch from falling over- if anything, it feels new.

I feel unusual and guilty, so I stop. I carefully place the mirror away from me, wiping the blood drops away on my leg with my hand. Strangely, I feel completely at peace, even though I'm surrounded by broken glass with a bloody leg and hand.

Cleaning up the bathroom, I use a dustpan and brush to shove everything in the bin. The place where the mirror used to be is now just a brown piece of board. I roll my eyes and make a mental note to buy a new one.

I take a few minutes to fix up my hand. While using a pair of tweezers to take out any glass, I think of how I'm going to explain it without the excuse of me hitting somebody. I rub some antiseptic on my leg and over my knuckles, ignoring the burn as I find some plasters.

Since it's freezing outside, I'll just wear some gloves with my usual hoodie and jeans. It should heal in no time- I've had enough punching incidents to know that for certain.

As I'm lying in bed that night, I try not to think of what I've done. However, for the first time in a long time, I don't even consider Mason or Dimitri or Liss in my thoughts.

It feels selfishly good to think of myself one hundred percent. I can't say at all that I dislike the feeling.

* * *

_A/N Sorry this chapter is shorter than the others, but I haven't had much time to write tonight. I've had a really bad day and just urgh. However, your reviews cheered me up a lot; so I majorly thank you all. :') I especially thank Misunderstooddhampir for your really supportive reviews. They really made me happy, and I'm so glad that you like the story. I can't even express my thanks, I'm just sdfghjkrbhjbfv. :D Thank you! xx_

_This chapter was really hard for me to write. I'll just leave it at that._

_If any of you ever need somebody to talk to, please message me. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF SENDING ME A PM. If you are scared of speaking to me directly, my tumblr name is taintedhonesty - you can send me an anonymous message on there if you would prefer. If you want advice or anything at all, I'm always here and I always try and reply as soon as possible. If you are even thinking about self harming, do not do it. Don't you freaking dare. You are beautiful and I love you._

_**Remember, you are strong, and you can get through whatever you are going through- you just need to fight. It will get easier one day; never forget that. **_


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR || fragile**

* * *

Left punch, duck, roll, up, gut punch, kick, duck. I breathe through my nose as I fight Dimitri, exhausted but knowing I have to win. His foot hits the spot under my knee and I almost falter, but I manage to scramble round and hit him square in the chest.

He is still in breath, which is typical. When he tries to kick me again, I grab his foot and push him away. He almost loses his balance, but only takes half a moment to regain his strikes. Quickly, I dodge a punch but another one hits my collarbone and almost throws me to the floor.

I glare blindly in his direction and hear him chuckle, which just frustrates me further. I lunge and try to tackle him, but he's too strong for me to push against.

"Come on, Rose. You would be dead by now!" He says, clearly trying to hide his amusement.

With a grunt, I dodge another mean hit and whack him hard in the gut. He pauses long enough for me to kick him in the chest, so I hastily tackle him once again and heave him down onto the mat.

"I win." I cough, sitting up and knowing he would be annoyed with me casually lying on top of him.

He stops for a moment, staring at me.

"What?"

"There was no Rose comeback added to that statement. Is there something wrong?" He raises one eyebrow, somehow mocking me but acting worried at the same time. When I don't reply he speaks again. "I at least expected a 'what's my prize?' or 'you just got beat up by a girl'. What's wrong?"

"Oh. Uhm." I think for a moment. What would the old Rose say? "There's a prize involved?" I grin in what I hope looks like a happy way.

Dimitri looks relieved and then grabs a bag from underneath his duster. I curiously take it from him and look inside.

My old favourite food, a strawberry donut, sits wrapped up in the bag. I smile widely, like he would expect, and thank him.

"What's the occasion?" I ask, putting the bag down beside me as I continue to catch my breath.

"I just thought you deserved it. You've been acting so focused recently. Guardian Alto even told me you've improved in his lessons."

I nod. Having no social life kind of just does that.

It's been a week since my mirror incident in the bathroom, and since then I've redecorated the wall and my personality. I've decided to focus less on the social aspect in life, and focus more on being a good student. I was incredibly selfish- I shouldn't have purposely cut myself. It's petty and stupid.

Well, I keep telling myself that, but I'm pretty sure that I still don't believe it.

"And it's your field test next week. This is a good luck present, although I'm sure you don't need any luck with the amazing training you have been doing."

I nod again. I try to feel a piece of pride inside of me, but I just feel empty like usual.

Dimitri places his warm hand on my shoulder. I ignore the usual electricity buzz I get when his skin is in contact with mine and focus on the clock behind him. "Well done, Roza." He whispers. In the past, I probably would have gone light-headed by this simple gesture, but now it's just the simple buzz. I miss him. I miss myself.

He takes away his hand to push himself up, and then offers it again to help me stand. I take it and he gently pulls me to my feet. I pick up my donut and give him a little wave as I leave.

Before I make it to my room, I throw the bag in a bin. Guilt hits me for a moment, but I pay no attention to it. I don't deserve treats like this, I don't deserve his kindness.

I'm sorry, Dimitri.

"Hi, Rose." Eddie calls me and I turn to face him. I feel panicky that he's seen me throw away the food- a very unlike Rose thing- but he gives me a clueless smile and I reassure myself its okay.

"I haven't seen you in ages." I tell him, hugging him back when he wraps his arms around me.

He lets me go and assesses my face. His head tilts to the side, his eyes assessing me. "You look… different."

"Good or bad?" I ask, confused.

"Bad…" He tells me bluntly.

I feel offended and mockingly glare at him. "Thanks for that-"

"No, I mean…" He clasps his hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright, Rose?"

"Of course." I lie.

"I don't think you are. Maybe you can trick everyone else but… I know you. You're eyes are just…"

"Just what?"

"Sad."

I bite my lip, a habit I seem to have picked up. "I must just look tired. Hey, Dimitri said I was doing better at training. Maybe I'll overtake your god-like skills."

He ignores my comment. "You can always talk to me, you know that?" Then, as if feeling the same heavy tension as I am, he tells me that he'll never be as good of a guardian as me. "You're kick-ass Hathaway."

"I am." I reply, laughing. But when he turns around, my smile immediately fades. I'm not kick-ass Hathaway. Not anymore.

Feeling negative energy building up, I decide to go on another run round campus. At first I wonder if I should go and meet Lissa, but after slipping into her head I realize she's once again with fire boy. It makes me happy yet sad at the same time. She's practising magic with him, healing plants and animals. The darkness levels are okay, so I don't bother to take them away yet. She looks fine.

As I'm running, it starts raining. I pull up my hood and run faster, loving the way the cold rain felt against my face, wishing it was washing away the past and all my mistakes.

When I start shivering from the cold and cringing from a small headache, I stop and look around. Everyone's at lunch, so I'm alone. The campus looks peaceful; the snow slush has finally washed away.

There's a movement in the corner of my eye, so I turn around and try and place it. In between a couple of trees, a light figure stands. They're as still as a statue. A feeling of alarm goes through me, but I'm sure it's just a guardian making their rounds.

I shrug it off and decide to go to lessons now. I'll text Lissa when I get there. I'll tell her I just went for a run, and then I'll lie and say I'll see her tomorrow. I was ignoring the fact that I was scared to see her- struck with shame about me cutting. I felt that the moment she would see me, she would just know.

Once again, I was insanely glad that this bond only worked one way.

* * *

_A/N Sorry for another short chapter- I've been busy with school. To make up for it, I should have long chapters over the weekend. The story will start progressing more soon. :D Once again, I cannot thank you enough for your reviews. No joke, I cried this time I read them. I wish I could reply to all the reviews, but I thought you would all rather I write the story instead of rambling my thanks. :) You are all so lovely, I love you! :') _

_Stay strong, everyone. xx_


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE || fragile**

* * *

As I'm walking with Lissa after last lesson, I'm barely paying attention. I keep a smile on my face and look forwards, zoning out to what she is saying. My mind is stuck on the nightmares that refuse to leave me alone.

I crave sleep. You never realise how much you need it until you're practically begging for a few minutes of rest. My feet are almost shuffling across the floor, my eyes squinting against my will. A heavy cloak lies over my head, dragging me under, smothering me with exhaustion. My heart beats unsteadily in my chest.

Mason was there again in my dream. He kills me over and over, wanting me to feel the same pain of betrayal he now suffers with. I killed him. He died just over a month ago, but his presence in my nightmares feels as real as if he was standing right next to me.

Training with Dimitri has been torture. It's getting worse, trying to hide the fact that I'm pretty much dead on my feet. Each kick and punch feels like I'm underwater- forcing my way through with clumsy movements. I get ringing in my ears, the taste of blood at the back of my throat, but I still continue fighting. Dimitri doesn't notice.

Dimitri has begun to push me again, like our conversation finally got to him. He knows that I don't want to feel weak, he understands. He has started training me like he did when I first arrived at the academy. I can't say I enjoy it, because I'm as tired as hell, but I know it's important. This training will save Liss' life over and over again. It's worth it.

I know Dimitri is worried about me- I am not too blind to see the look in his eye when I falter on an easy exercise. However, if he knows I am tired, he hasn't mentioned it. He's always kind to me, as he always has been, but I try to ignore it.

Falling harder for Dimitri is too dangerous- I had the memory of him not kissing me back to remind me. The moments where we kissed are to be forgotten. I will not do something so idiotic ever again.

Besides, I don't deserve his kindness. I keep telling myself this, determined not to forget it. I will just end up hurting him, just like I hurt Mason.

I quickly zone back into what Lissa is saying, just in case she's expecting me to reply. I push all thoughts of Dimitri and Mason out of my head- or as far as they allow themselves to be pushed out, which isn't very distant.

"And he was just so adorable when he gave it to me! I love him, Rose. He's the one!" I look back to Lissa and she excitedly shows me the necklace her boyfriend must have given to her. It's a simple heart, with a crystal the colour of fire.

"I'm impressed with fire boy." I laugh lightly, hoping she hasn't noticed my little absence. Liss lifts the heart from her neck to show me closer, and I hold it gently in my hand. "It's beautiful."

Liss nods enthusiastically and I let the chain fall back to her chest. She stares at it lovingly and I'm really glad that Christian is treating her like she deserves. "I've got to go help out at the clinic," she tells me. "I'm going to try and start healing actual people."

I roll my eyes at her working spirit and tell her to be careful. She knows the results of the darkness, but I suppose she isn't worried anymore now that she knows I can take it away and keep her safe. It's the least I can do for her. After all, she did bring me back from the dead.

She grabs my hand and we entwine our fingers together. I miss my best friend, I realise. I just hate how things have changed between us… Well, I've changed. Lissa is still the same charming, beautiful women she has always been. And I'm just becoming more and more… different.

"Are you excited for the field training?" She grins as I nod. We both know I'll get her for my Moroi since I'll be guarding her my whole life. I probably won't even have to stay with her the whole time- the bond will just tell me if she's in danger and I can run to meet her. The assembly is tonight- the one where we get our Guardian packages, filled with information about the person we are protecting. I won't even have to look at mine; I probably know more about Lissa than she even knows about herself. The actual field training starts in a few days - guardians are going to be dressing as Strogoi and we have to 'stake' them off and protect whoever we are guarding. The whole thing lasts six weeks and most dhampirs view the whole experience as a free pass from lessons.

We walk to the clinic together and I quickly say goodbye, needing to get ready for the assembly that begins in an hour. When I get back to my room, I take a long shower, letting the hot water relax my muscles until it begins to run cold. I wrap a warm towel round my body and brush my hair, letting it dry naturally. I am staring in the mirror again, but the shower has done nothing to put colour or life in my cheeks.

When there's a knock on my door, I awkwardly wrap myself up tighter, and open it to reveal Dimitri. I immediately blush, feeling self conscious as his eyes drag up my body. He smiles tightly and I can't help the inside squeal I do as I realize I'm affecting him as he usually affects me. _Like what you see?_ I think about saying the words, but it's pointless considering our relationship is strictly friends at the moment. However, I can't help thinking about the feel of his lips on mine, and the way his strong hands felt as they brushed down the sides of my body. I blush harder.

"I was wondering if you would like to walk together to the assembly." Dimitri tells me, his voice husky. "I can give you more time to get ready."

Without thinking, I stammer out the first thing in my head. "Sure, come in and I'll be ready in a moment." My red cheeks burn as the embarrassment rushes through me and I see Dimitri stifle a smile. To my surprise, he walks past me into the room- giving it the usual Guardian survey.

My whole body now burning, I close the door and rush into the bathroom; throwing some skinny jeans and a tank top on over my underwear. Before I leave, I see that the outline of my bra is clearly showing, so I pull on a cute cardigan I must have borrowed from Lissa. I darkly laugh to myself- how much I have changed. A month ago, I would have let my bra show, wanting to look as attractive as possible- but now it's like I just want to hide.

Dimitri smiles at me when I come out the bathroom, placing a photo frame back on my bedside cabinet. It's the one of me and Lissa dressed as fairies on Halloween. Feelings of melancholy make me sadly smile, missing the days of me and Liss on the run. The only worry we had was getting caught- we could do anything we wanted. I was happy, alive. Now it's just the complete tragic opposite.

We walk together to the hall, nervousness beginning to creep its way up my spine. "What if I don't get Lissa as my Moroi? What if I get Jesse or someone?"

Dimitri doesn't say anything, which just makes me more anxious.

"Do you know who we get?" I ask slyly, his silence worrying me. What if he does know? His silence would mean that I don't have Liss… "Oh God, you can't be serious."

Dimitri lets out a long breath, as if my words hurt him somehow. "Everything will be fine." He tells me.

"What if this affects who I really get assigned to in the future? What if I screw up really badly? I don't know how to work with anyone else…" I imagine being assigned to Jesse- his annoying smirk when he realizes that instead of fighting with him I would have to protect him. I would have to follow him everywhere. The thought makes me shudder.

"Don't worry. You're the best novice here." Praise from Dimitri was usually my favourite thing about him- normally my eyes would sting with pride. But, once again, I feel nothing- just anxiety.

"Thanks." I mumble bitterly.

Dimitri suddenly stops in his tracks and faces me- his eyes filled with shock. "Rose…" I know he's going to ask me what's wrong, once again.

"Don't… I can't." I sigh and walk off- hating the way Dimitri always makes me feel like telling the truth.

I take my seat, next to Eddie. He gives me a reassuring smile that I can't return. "Who do you think you're going to get?" I ask him.

He lets out a shaky breath- he seems as nervous as me. "I hope someone good. I don't really mind, but… this is just so weird. We've been waiting for this experience for years and now that it's here I want to rewind back to the start of training. I don't feel ready."

"You're the readiest person here." I tell him. He was the best fighter- determined and strong. Losing Mason has changed him just has it changed me. His control and power is insanely impressive. It's sad though; knowing the reasons why he is like this. He knows what it's like to lose the most important person to you. He looks at me and places his hand on mine in thanks.

"You're really lucky- you're pretty much already signed off to Liss."

I shake my head- the worry almost shooting to a crippling level. "Dimitri pretty much told me otherwise."

Eddie gives me a questioning look, but before he can ask, the guardian at the front of the room begins to speak.

Time seems to freeze as the names are called out. Every novice gets up and takes their Moroi folder; filled with information that they need. Some are frowning, disappointment evident on their faces. Others, however, are almost singing out in joy. It saddens me to know that I will not be a part of the latter.

"Rosemary Hathaway with Christian Ozera."

My body tenses as he says my name, but I'm crazily glad that I haven't got some jerk royal as my Moroi. I rethink that. Christian is a jerk royal, but we have come to friendlier terms since we saved each other's lives back in Spokane.

The thought of Spokane makes me almost falter in my steps as I walk up to collect my folder. Mason should be here. He's been waiting years for this moment; always calling field experience the best part of our training. I bury back all the resurfacing feelings; trying to go back to my state of numbness.

I take the information and shake the guardian's hand, going back to my seat. I see Liss give me a worried and questioning glace from the audience, so I give her a quick shrug.

The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. At the end, Lissa gave me a hug, feeling guilty for getting assigned to Eddie- even though she had no choice in the matter.

Christian laughs. "I know how much you love spending time with me, Hathaway." I roll my eyes, wanting nothing more than to go and mope in my bedroom. I tell the others that I'll walk back in a while and I stay sitting in the hall until everyone is gone.

I'm about to leave when Dimitri sits down beside me.

"Are you okay?"

I shrug, tired of lying to everyone. "I don't know."

Before Dimitri has even the chance to talk, I excuse myself, telling him I'm tired.

I'm wandering back to my room when it happens.

A light silhouette comes out from between the trees. I squint to see who it is, knowing it's the same person I saw briefly the other night.

They have exactly the same shape as him- even the hair looks the same.

I stop breathing, thinking, moving, feeling.

One word, a broken gasp, escapes my lips.

"Mason?"

* * *

_A/N I'm uploading this quickly, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. I don't think I'll be able to upload tomorrow, but I will definitely be back on Monday. Thank you for your amazing reviews once again. I love you all so much. :') This chapter may seem a bit ejhgfvhbrekjgrwj, but don't worry, things get overly dramatic in the upcoming chapters. )_

_I can't even begin to explain how happy your reviews make me... :')_


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX || fragile**

* * *

The image of Mason was still smouldering in my mind as I ran back to my room. I knew it was him and either I was going insane or he was actually _here_. I don't know which option I am more afraid of. My breath came in short pants, my whole body aching. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I gasped for air. My lungs just weren't working. I stumble blindly across the quad- thankful that everyone has gone back to their dorms.

"Rose!" A yell blurs into the background. I run faster. Echoing footsteps are pounding behind me. Mason.

My lips break open as a sob burns through them. It feels like all my emotions are just ripping through me. I don't understand what's going on; I just know that I have to escape.

It's Mason. Mason is going to kill me. I can clearly see him again in my mind- just as clear as he is in my nightmares. He wears a merciless smile as he drags a knife against my cheek. He grins psychotically as he twists my neck until he hears a breaking snap.

I yank open my bedroom door, my fingers slipping against the handle as I close it after me. I'm sliding down the door, my legs weak and useless, when the hitting starts.

Ruthless fists hit the door, each pound feeling like it's hitting against the back of my head. I push against the wall, crawling backwards as far back as I can.

"Rose!" The voice shouts again.

I cover my ears with my hands, trying to get away from a piercing screaming sound. It takes me a moment to realize it's me. I don't stop. _Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me_. "I'm sorry." I cry, over and over again.

I see the door handle move and I sob louder. It rattles hopelessly, and I pray to God that the lock doesn't snap. _Rose, Rose, Rose_. The voice doesn't stop.

Gasping, I force myself to get up and escape to the bathroom. Before I can reach the toilet, I start throwing up on the bathroom floor. I gasp for air, almost choking.

What's wrong with me? I cry impossibly louder.

Without thinking, I grab the shaver from beside the sink and smash it against the floor. The razor comes free in my hand, ripping against the flesh of my palm.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I need this to stop. These feelings are ripping me apart.

I don't think; I just act.

I pull my sleeve up and press the blade against my wrist, dragging it across my skin. I do it again and again, not wanting to stop until my mind stops screaming at me. The sting makes everything pause- the blood is almost mesmerising; I watch it carefully as it drips steadily onto the cold bathroom floor.

Thoughts of Mason vanish as I concentrate fully on what I'm doing. My fingertips slide against the metal, wet with blood, but I still push harder on my arm. My skin splits almost flawlessly with each cut.

When I'm done, I'm not crying or screaming or feeling- there is just rightful peace. Everything just feels alright now. There are no problems; nothing I can't conquer.

Immediately, I clean everything up- wiping the floor with a red towel after washing away the sick. I quickly clean up my body, wrapping my arm in a bandage and changing my clothes. I carefully pull down my sleeve, thankful that it's thick enough to conceal what is hidden beneath it.

I look up when the bathroom door rips open.

Lissa and Dimitri stand there, looking like two extremely worried angels. I see Christian and Eddie behind them and give everyone a questioning glance.

"Rose, are you okay?" Liss practically runs towards me and grabs me in a tight hug. I laugh, confused at what everyone is doing here and awkwardly wrap my arms round her.

"I'm fine. What's wrong?" I ask, looking over Liss' shoulder to see Dimitri's eyes screaming concern.

"I ran after you, Roza. You were screaming and crying. I had to get the princess to give me her spare key for the room." His voice is almost breaking, but he conceals it right away. Oh, so it was Dimitri, not Mason. Everything starts to make a bit more sense. He must have been standing in the trees. A part of me knows it would be impossible to get from the hall to outside that fast, but I brush it off. Dimitri is fast.

I try to smile reassuringly. "I'm fine now. I just freaked for a moment- nothing I can't handle."

Eddie looks worried and confused, while Christian just looks scared and almost kind- which is saying a lot for him. I smile again, suddenly tired.

"I'll see you tomorrow for the beginning of our six week sleepover." I tell Christian, beginning to get embarrassed by all the attention. I hope with all my power that blood doesn't start to seep through my t-shirt. Or, even worse, the vampires in the room smell it.

After a few minutes, everyone leaves except Dimitri. When we both hear the front door click shut, he grabs my hand and pulls me to my bed.

"Easy there, tiger." I tell him. He doesn't laugh, but just tells me to sit.

"Roza," he sighs, pain breaking his voice. "What happened?"

I shrug, not sure which lie would cover me running away/screaming my head off. "Nothing. I just freaked. I'm sorry."

Suddenly, he lowers to the ground between my legs where I'm sitting on the bed, and reaches up to grip my cheeks in his hands. With soft movements, he carefully rubs the side of my face with his thumb. I close my eyes, suddenly craving Dimitri and feeling a lot like the old Rose.

"You're lying," he says. "You can't just call _that_ 'freaking out'. You were in so much pain…"

"No." I interrupt him. "I don't know what happened. I can't really remember."

I don't want to tell him about me seeing Mason, since it was probably just Dimitri in the shadows. Also, he'll just think I'm crazy. And I'll get pulled from the field experience, which would ruin the rest of my guardian life.

"You can talk to me, Roza. Always."

"I know. I trust you, always." An idea forms in my mind. "Will you stay here tonight?" I know it's a hopeless question- it would be wrong for him to stay in a novice dorm.

To my surprise, he smiles sadly and nods, probably wanting to watch over me anyway. A brief flare of excitement rushes through me. Me and Dimitri. Alone. In a bed. _A freaking bed_.

I crawl up the bed and slip into the covers, patting the spot next to me. I can't help but think of the lust charm, but, if I'm being honest than I want the feel of Dimitri's comfort more than his kisses at the moment. Well, kisses would be good too, but a girl takes what she can get.

Dimitri gets under the cover beside me after pulling off his shoes and coat. I have the temptation to undress him completely, but instead just pull away his hair tie, letting his hair fall free over his face.

We lie there for a while, side by side.

"I was so worried about you, Roza." Dimitri whispers. "Please don't do that again. Don't fight those feelings alone. I'm here, always."

"I know." I tell him. "But everything is going to be okay now, I promise." I look at him and smile. "Goodnight, Dimitri." _I love you_.

Everything will be okay now. I know my escape. Now I know why Lissa used to cut herself- it completely takes away all feelings and memories.

I'm free to be myself.

And nobody will ever know.

* * *

_A/N I really want to get one thing really clear. In NO way, am I 'glorifying' cutting. It's really bad. Like, I can't even begin to explain how much it can mess up your life. For example, some of this chapter is from my own experience, but I had nobody to come and make sure I was okay. __Take my advice, don't do it. Don't start and don't continue. Just try and recover. __Recovery can be hard and impossibly frustrating, but it is possible. Remember, I'm always here to talk or if you need advice. __Also, a place with lots of information/help is To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA). They're amazing._

_I love you all. xx_


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN || fragile**

* * *

When I wake up, my head is resting against Dimitri's warm chest. I breathe in deeply, wanting the moment to never pass. His arm lies softly against my waist, sending delicious shivers through my body. I'm about to close my eyes again when Dimitri starts stroking my hair.

I smile into his chest and snuggle further into the warm. It's like we've simply moved together automatically, our souls craving each other's even during sleep. Even our legs are entwined together; keeping us locked here.

Dimitri's fingers run through my hair in a tender caress and I hear him chuckle lightly as I sigh contentedly into his body. "Good morning, Roza." He tells me lightly.

"Do you ever sleep?" I ask him, deciding that I could stay in this position for the rest of my life.

"Guardian secrets. Oh, and you snore like a lion by the way." I can imagine the adorable smile on his face, but I stay buried in his chest.

"A lion? I would say something more graceful, like a gazelle."

"You're too ferocious. A lion cub, then."

I laugh loudly. "If I'm a lion cub, you can be a dark horse. Like, all your cowboy dreams can come true. And horses are cool because… they are." I blush from my awkwardness and hear Dimitri chuckle. The sound vibrates through me; as beautiful as music.

"Are you going to start the field experience today?" Dimitri asks me carefully. "Alberta said you can have a couple days free if you would like."

I'm tempted to take a day off, just so that I can stay here for longer, but I know how important this is for me. "I want to do the best I can in this. I need to be the best guardian possible for Liss."

I feel Dimitri nod and I almost melt as he presses a delicate kiss to the top of my head. My whole body goes warm. _I love you_. As much as I want to stay here forever, I know I need to go meet fire boy. I'm slightly frightened by the onslaught of questions I will get later- regarding my 'episode'- but I know that I can get everyone to forget it if I distract them with my amazing guardian skills of standing in a corner.

I'm about to roll out of bed, then I remember. I feel the uncomfortable weight of the bandage on my wrist and the slight damp beneath my sleeve. I wonder if Dimitri has noticed, but I know by his carefree expression that he has not.

I try to look at my arm underneath the bed covers, but it's too dark. Swearing silently in my head, I decide that if I move quickly then he won't notice. I roll out from his hold and slyly hide my arm slightly under my t-shirt. Moving quickly, I slip into the bathroom and let out a long breath I didn't know I was holding.

I wash and prepare for the day quickly; taking a few moments to fix up and hide my arm. Gently, I peel back the bandage, cringing at the sting from dried blood gluing my cuts to the material. I rinse away the mess and squeeze some antiseptic onto my fingers before generously applying it to the wounds. With as much care as possible while in a hurry, I stick on some plasters, trying to get them to fit without overlapping. I wrap a thin bandage round it all, just in case the aggravated cuts start bleeding slightly again.

I slip on a hoodie and chuck the bloody top straight into the bin, knowing it's too risky to put in the laundry basket that I sometimes share with Liss.

Absentmindedly, I open the cupboard and glance at the piece of broken razor sitting on the top shelf. With pursed lips, I hide it beneath my moisturiser, worrying that somebody would see it there. As my fingers touch the blade, it's like an electric current runs across my body. I shiver, remembering the feel of the edge biting into my skin.

Finally just shaking my head, I walk into the main room. Dimitri has made the bed and he's standing next to the front door, waiting for me. We smile at each other, feeling the connection between us that the night seemed to have strengthened. The previous invisible string that held is together is now an invisible rope- practically unbreakable. The only way to lose the connection between us would be for one of us to let go, but the memories will always stay. Love never fades.

Realising Dimitri has changed clothes and, judging by the slightly damp hair tied at the back of his neck, I wonder how he manages to get ready so fast. Guardian secrets. I need to find out some of those.

Before we're about to leave, Dimitri takes my hands in his. Our eyes meet and hold. Emotions whirl through our faces; love, happiness, strength, trust. We stand together for a while, both wishing it could be like this all the time. We release our hands at the same time, giving each other wistful glances.

We walk together until I find Christian, who was by Lissa's side, as always. Dimitri gives me a subtle nod and politely greets Liss. I watch him leave, wishing he could stay, but since it's field training I know he has random novices to attack.

Eddie gives me a small wave, standing in his protective guardian stance over the table. Not in the mood to talk to anyone yet, I tell him that I'll take far guard. I lean against the wall, realising how hungry I am.

With a sigh, I know that I won't be able to get food until dinner, when fire boy decides he's a little bit peckish. My stomach growls in frustration, so I wrap my arms round myself, hoping it stays quiet for a few more hours.

A few minutes later, Christian comes over to me, wanting to go to the feeders. We walk together in a comfortable silence as I continue watching the environment for any incoming attacks.

What I didn't expect was Mason standing out in the distance. I freeze, my eyes locking in the almost flittering figure. It had to be him. There was no excuse this time. Clearly, I could see his red hair, frozen even in the soft breeze. His colours are slightly watered down, but I can still tell that he's wearing the same clothes he died in.

I push back the stinging tears threatening to fall. Fear starts to creep its way into my mind. Panic twists through my thoughts.

"Rose?" A voice asks. Christian. He stands in front of me, now blocking my vision of Mason. "You okay?"

"Can we go to my room quickly? I- I need to pick something up." I choke out, still frozen. Although he is unsure, he nods.

I barely acknowledge that I'm moving, but I soon find myself locked once again in the bathroom. Christian waits outside.

An empty yet fearful feeling sits inside me. But it's okay.

This time, I know how to make it go away.

With calm hands, I open the cabinet and pull out the razor.

* * *

_A/N Sorry this chapter is really sucky- I'm not feeling too well today. Thank you to everyone that reviewed! You are all so lovely; I want to give you all cookies and massive bear hugs. :')_

_Unfortunately, there's a chance that I won't be able to update for a few days. At the very most, I won't be able to update until Sunday. Sorry, everyone._

_Reviews mean loads to me and they only take a few seconds. Pretty, pretty please. :') And please tell me what I should do to improve the story! I love constructive criticism. :)_


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT || fragile**

* * *

"Rose? Are you alright? I can go get Lissa if you want." Christian knocks hesitantly on the bathroom door and I swear silently. I need more time to do this; I can't concentrate with him out there. _Later_, I promise myself.

I rinse my arm and pull a clean bandage over the cuts. Quickly, I dry my hands and pull my hoodie back on, slipping the razor into my jeans pocket when I remember I'm staying in Christian's room for the next six weeks. "I'll be out in a sec," I say back, flushing the bloody tissues down the toilet. The evidence disappears.

When I come out, Christian gives me a questioning glance, but doesn't ask what upset me. "You hungry?" He asks.

I shake my head, still feeling some sort of high from the sting in the bathroom. "I just need to pack some clothes for our sleepovers. Then let's go get you some blood, fire boy."

The day passes slowly; there are no attacks from the 'Strogoi', so I spend the time standing mostly in the corner of the room- watching over Christian. It's boring, but I know how essential it is.

When curfew comes, Christian and I go back to his room, giving everyone a short goodbye. I'm bored, but I don't feel like cutting- knowing it would be weird doing it in his bathroom of all places. Besides, my whole body still feels refreshed from earlier, like I've just taken a cold bath. Christian is lying in his bed, glaring at me as I throw blankets on the floor for my sleeping place.

"Do you ever sleep?" He asks me. "Because you may not need your beauty sleep, but I do."

"Sorry," I say, but continue pacing across his room. "I'm just _so_ bored."

"And I'm just _so_ tired." He lightly growls, mocking me in the process. I stop and grab the pillow from the floor before chucking it at his face. He lazily catches it, smirking proudly. "Thanks, I like having two pillows. How thoughtful of you."

Deciding that I will not tire easily, I give up getting ready for bed and make a decision to escape his dorm and go for a walk. "You can defend yourself for a while, right?"

Christian stares at me. "What are you going to do now?"

"I'm bored. I'll go for a run." I'm about to slip out the door, but turn and face him again first. "If any Strogoi come in, tell them to wait because I'll be back later."

"Don't wake me up when you come back in." Christian groans and turns over, burying his face into his pillow.

A feeling of loneliness looms over me as I walk around campus. I stay close to the edges, just in case someone in security spots me. My hands hide in my hoodie pockets, staying out of the cold. Absentmindedly, I run my fingers over the cool surface of the razor. Its weird- how something so small can cause so much damage.

"You're not supposed to be out here." Dimitri speaks from behind me and I yank my hand out of my pocket, spinning to face him. I give him a weak smile.

"You caught me…" I tell him, strongly hoping that he won't force me to go back to Christian's room.

He raises one eyebrow, tilting his head slightly to the side in curiosity. "Something's wrong. Are you not tired?"

"Just because I'm alone doesn't mean that something's wrong." I groan, sitting down on the closest bench. Dimitri pulls of his duster coat and lays it across my shoulders before placing himself next to me. Our legs touch and the tingle warms me more than his jacket. "I'm just… not tired." I answer his earlier question, sighing lightly.

He wraps his arm around me, letting my head rest on his chest.

"Tell me." He whispers, softly stroking my hair.

"I just wish that… I didn't have to…" I stop, biting my lip. Dimitri lightly kisses the top of my head. I continue, sinking into his warmth as it draws the cold and the truth from my body. "I don't want to do this forever. Protecting Lissa, being alone. I want you. I love you."

Dimitri pauses and then moves his hands onto my cheeks, tuning my head so that I'm looking straight into his eyes. "I love you too." He tells me, honesty consuming us. "I wish we could be together, more than anything. And Roza, you will never be alone. You have me, always."

Our lips meet.

My fingertips slide back into my pocket, unnoticed. The razor is a cold contrast to his hot lips as they move against mine. Dimitri's eyes are closed.

An invisible tear rolls down my cheek.

_What is wrong with me?_

* * *

_A/N Sorry for the late/ short update. I've been ill and I have a load of exams coming up again. I will definitely update every week, and I thank you massively for your beautiful, supportive, amazing, inspiring reviews. I love you all and I'm always here. And I have a really bad headache right now, so I haven't read this chapter over yet. Sorry if it's just pointless rambling!_

_The story should move on more soon. And just in case it doesn't make sense: At the moment, Rose has realized that cutting herself is helping her stay 'the old her'- happy and carefree. It's her relief, just as it was Lissa's. She's already starting to depend on it, so at the moment it is her biggest secret. She's starting to see Mason's ghost, which is re-enforcing the feelings of guilt and self-hate that cutting takes away. It's the field experience, which is 6 weeks long. She's assigned to Christian, so she has to stay at his dorm for the time being. Her feelings of Dimitri are conflicted at the moment. She's lying to him, not wanting him to know about her cutting/ depression. But, she loves him, as he loves her. She doesn't think she's depressed, and she doesn't realise how much the darkness is affecting her. - So, if anything doesn't make sense, just say. :')_


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER NINE || fragile**

* * *

I walk next to Christian, glancing around my surroundings for any dangers. Lissa is the other side of him, lightly entwining his fingers with her own. She talks eagerly about how well she's getting at controlling Spirit- she's happy that coming off her pills hasn't affected her yet. She feels great; a stark contrast to my vacant mood.

Eddie walks behind us as the far guard, paying more attention to the environment than I am. I slip into Lissa's head for a moment, to make sure that there is no darkness. I take away the amount that is there, hating the sickening feeling that slaps me as it falls into my own mind. I hate it; I have no choice.

Nobody knows that I can take away her darkness. It's a secret I keep as hidden as my cutting. If anybody ever found out I could remove Liss' depression, she would stop using Spirit right away, and I know how much she loves it. This is the sacrifice I make for her. My sadness for her happiness. I may hate it, but this is my duty; my life.

I'm so caught up thinking; I don't notice the guardian about to attack.

"Rose!" Eddie shouts behind me, sharp and alert. I snap into action, pushing the Moroi behind me. I hear Eddie grab them and pull them further away. Something hits the side of my face and I almost fall to the ground, staggering back, my cheek stinging in reply.

I regain myself quickly- pulling the 'stake' out of my pocket and facing my opponent. Stan. I thought that face hit was a little brutal.

I'm about to strike, my fists clenched and ready, when he appears. Mason, once again. He's closer this time, right behind Stan. My heart stops. Mason's hand stretches out, like he's trying to reach me. My fingertips twitch, wanting to meet his hand halfway- wanting to know if he is real. I wish I could move, but it's like I'm underwater. My heart beats slowly as if it has also been stuck down on the ocean floor.

A ringing in my ears distracts me from the noise of Stan's attack. I don't hear his fist come towards me, but I feel it. The moment he strikes my stomach, I fall backwards onto the ground, everything rushing around me in normal time once again. Mason is gone.

I whimper quietly, the punch in my gut aching with a burning force. Stan looms above me. I can tell he is glaring even though my watery eyes.

"Hathaway!" He growls, fists clenches angrily by his sides. "Your Moroi would be dead!"

"I-I'm sorry." I stammer, still confused by what is happening. I look around for Mason, ignoring the smirking faces of my classmates and the concerned looks of my friends. Definitely gone.

"You did that on purpose." He snarls. Before I have a chance to get back on my feet, he grips the top of my arm in a vice like grip. "Kirova needs to know about this." He tugs me roughly to my feet, his fingers squeezing me so tightly that my arm begins to feel heavy. I cry out, more in frustration than pain, and he loosens his grip.

Embarrassment floods through me, my throat stinging with shame. I failed, and everyone saw. I try to think of the silver lining to this horrifically dark cloud, but there is nothing at all that could possibly make this disaster better.

Stan practically drags me to Kirova's office without even letting me say goodbye to my friends. I see Lissa's face in the corner of my eye- she looks… angry? She starts to complain through the bond; _I can't believe you just left Christian. That is so petty, Rose! It's just field experience! If this was real, he would be dead. It would be your fault._

I blush angrily and try to block her out. She probably thinks Mason's death is my fault too. I failed to protect him as well.

Dimitri is waiting outside the office and he gives me a disappointed glance as soon as he spots me. I freeze in step. He probably thinks I didn't fight back on purpose. He thinks I'm petty and guilty, just like Liss. He thinks it's my fault, all my fault.

"Wait." I say, my voice almost croaking through my dry lips. Nobody acknowledges me; Stan just continues to pull me to the office doors. "Wait!" I shout louder. This time he stops and glares at me, finally releasing my arm.

"What?" He snaps. "Regretting your stupid actions already?" His sneer almost makes me back down, but there's something I need to do. If I don't, I'll drown.

The urge to cut is the strongest it has ever been. I know it's the only thing that will take away these feelings. The embarrassment and shame and guilt won't pass until I have punished myself. I'll bleed the feelings out until I deserve to be happy again.

"I really need to go to the bathroom." I tell him. He's about to laugh and shove me through the door when I speak again. "For woman's reasons, Stan."

He stops suddenly, caught off guard. With one final uncomfortable glare, he tells me I have one minute. I rush away, not even bothering to look again at Dimitri's dissatisfied look.

The bathroom is cold, but it doesn't bother me. I go into the cubicle furthest from the door and close the toilet lid so that I can sit on top of it. Swiftly, I lock the door with a gratifying click. I'm alone. I don't have much time, but it's enough. I tug my sleeve up, finding a place away from the not yet healed cuts.

I slide my razor out from my jeans pocket. It's single edged, taken from Christian's bathroom cabinet. Carefully, I glide it along my wrist, watching the blood appear almost instantly. Before it begins to pool over my skin, I press a square of tissue over it. The blood travels across the white sheet, tainting the innocent colour with a perfect circle of red.

I take a deep breath, finally being able to think. Biting my lip with concentration, I move the tissue and I cut once again just below the previous. It stings slightly, but not in a bad way.

Out of time, I wipe away the blood and I'm about to slide down my sleeve when I realise it hasn't stopped bleeding. Instead of risking it, I wrap some tissue paper around my forearm. It will have to make do for now. After washing away the bloody evidence, I leave the cubicle and rinse my razor in the sink before sliding it back into my pocket. It feels warm against my side; safe.

I get back to the office in record time. Dimitri and Stan are waiting for me, both of their arms crossed. Confident, I push past them so they don't have the chance to grab me. The seat in Kirova's is warm, so I happily sit down, crossing my legs. When I look up, calling her look a glare would probably be an understatement.

"Hathaway. Do you want to be a guardian?" She says with her lips tight; as if she is already trying to keep her temper.

"Yes." I lie. She believes me, using this as fuel to her lecture.

"Then why did you not even try to defend your Moroi?" She mutters. I smirk and shake my head- why do people keep thinking that?

"I did. I froze, screwed up. Why would I not even try; I always-"

"No, Rosemary. You were annoyed that we did not assign the Princess to you, so instead of fighting back you pulled this petty stunt!"

I wrap my hand around my wrist, keeping eye contact with her and making sure what I'm doing is hidden in my lap. Wanting to stay in control, I dig my nails into my sleeve, biting into the cuts below. "No. I wouldn't do that. I just screwed up." My voice is tight, feeling the ache of what I'm doing.

"You should have thought about your actions at the time- you cannot lie your way out of it now. You risk being pulled out of the field experience completely. In my opinion, you do not deserve to be a guardian."

I straighten up with her words and steal a glance behind me. Dimitri gives me a quick sympathetic look and begins to speak. "Rose wouldn't do that. Her guardian commitment is stronger than most." I almost smile in relief. Dimitri believes me, he loves me. He returns my smile with reassuring eyes. "All novices deserve a second chance. The first attack is always hard."

"But," Kirova interrupts him so I turn to look at her once again, "this was not her first attack. She has killed. She should have stopped Stan's fight easily."

I grip my sleeve harder. "No." I snap. "No. That's not fair. That was different." I can feel the heavy weight of the sword in my hands once again. I can hear the twisted screams of the Strogoi as I brutally dig the edge into her neck. "So different."

Kirova pauses for a moment, giving Dimitri a quick steady look. Finally she talks again, stopping the eerie silence. "You are excused this one time. If I hear you are away from your Moroi from even a second, you will be pulled right out. Being a guardian is tough and if you are not good enough, you are easily stopped. Your future will no longer exist."

I nod and stand. When I finally let go of my sleeve, I realise the blood is beginning to come through- creating two ovals of red over the light blue material. The shock only stays for a moment and is replaced with nervousness- I quickly place my hand over the stain, hiding it from view.

Dimitri walks with me, not noticing how anxious I am. For the first time ever, I want him to leave me alone. But, of course, he stays.

"What happened out there today, Rose?" His voice is kind; he knows that I didn't do it on purpose.

I remember Mason's ghostly face, full of sadness. For a brief moment, I consider telling Dimitri. The moment passes as quickly as it came, so I lie. "I don't know. I just froze, I was caught off guard."

"Really?" Dimitri asks again, as if he is trying to make me feel even guiltier for lying. I nod. "Okay."

We walk in silence for a while, on our way to the hall so that I can join up with Christian again. I'm so caught up in thinking of the embarrassment of what just happened- me getting knocked down my Stan- that I don't notice Dimitri staring at my hands. The blood has travelled further up my sleeve, soaking it straight through the tissue and the material, so now my hand is only covering up a part of it.

"What happened?" He demands, trying to grab my arm to see the source of the bleeding.

My heart begins to race so quick I think that I'm going to faint. Black stars threaten me in the corner of the vision- blinding panic crippling me to a halt. "Nothing." I say, too quickly to be considered nothing at all.

"Did Stan hurt you? Let me see." He tries to take my hands in his, so I hide them behind my back. I'm shaking, I can't help it. My mind screams, _he can't know, don't let him see, lie to him._

"No really, it's nothing!" My voice cracks at the end, anxiety falling into my lie.

"That is _not_ nothing." I walk backwards, making distance between us. "I am your mentor, Rose, did you cut yourself-" my heart thuds painfully in my ears- "on your practise stake? If Stan caught you on-"

I'm about to say that I accidently cut my arm on my stake, but I can't get the words out of my lips. Even the word cut just attacks me with blinding panic. "I hurt it on my stake. It's stupid; please don't tell the others, it's so embarrassing." The lie falls freely, and judging by Dimitri's face he must believe me.

"I'll go get my medical pack. Stay here." He's about to leave, so I grab his arm quickly.

"No, really, I'm fine. I, uhm, put a bandage on it when I said I was going to the bathroom. This is just an old stain." He sees the slight thickness of my sleeve from the tissue and believes it's the bandage then gives me a worried smile and grabs my face in his hands.

"If you get hurt, don't be afraid to tell me. I love you, Roza. I love to protect you." He presses his lips lightly to mine, thankful that the area is clear of other students.

"I don't need to be protected," I remind him in a quiet whisper, loving the warmth he always seems to radiate. My heart stops thudding in my chest and begins to flutter from his touch. He believed me. "I love you too."

Our small embrace ends a few moments too soon and we say goodbye to each other. I tell him I'm going to change my t-shirt before meeting Christian and he nods in understanding, giving the bloodstain a worried glance.

I walk away, with my heart heavy in my chest.

* * *

_A/N Thank you for your amazing reviews! They really make me happy. :') I love you all- thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me. :) Stay strong. xx_


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN || fragile**

*Christian POV*

* * *

"Christian." Dimitri walks over to where I'm sitting at the lunch table with Liss and Eddie. He gives them a brief nod then looks at me- he seems concerned, so I automatically get the assumption something has happened to Rose. You don't have to be the most observant person ever to realize there is something going on between them. They look at each other the same way me and Lissa do.

"Rose is at your room, she should meet you soon." Something isn't right. Dimitri's eyes look worried, although he's trying his best to look as if nothing is wrong.

"Is she okay?" I ask, truly concerned. In the past, Rose and I haven't exactly been besties, but after Spokane it's like an unbreakable bond has wrapped around us. She's like the sister I never had; we argue but still love each other. She has saved Lissa's life; she has saved my life.

"Fine, but… do you know what happened earlier? When she… froze?" It's the first time I have ever heard Dimitri's voice pause or falter. I shake my head, wishing I knew. He looks away, probably lost in thought.

"I'll stop by my room to get her- she doesn't know where my last lesson is." I tell him. Dimitri looks instantly relieved and gives me a thankful glance. I kiss Liss goodbye and head to my room, hearing Dimitri talk to Eddie about his good field experience marks. I'm glad Eddie is doing well; he is going to be a great guardian, just like Rose.

I walk straight into my room. When she isn't in the main part, I try the door to the bathroom. It's unlocked.

Rose is standing by the sink. I don't see it at first; I just think she's staring into the mirror.

"I always thought you were vain- but not coming to guard me because you're looking in the mirror is slightly ridiculous." I laugh.

She seems to jerk slightly, shocked by my presence behind her. I think I hear her curse, but it's too quietly for me to tell. To my surprise, she doesn't turn… just continues to stand there, her back to me. "I'll be out in a second." She says. Her voice is weird, like she's shaking so bad she can barely get the words to pass her lips.

"Okaaay." I walk over to her, wanting to make sure she's not crying or some shit. If she is I'll call Lissa over- I may love Rose, but I'm not about to start having girl to girl chats with her. I stand by her side; she's looking down, but there aren't any tears- thank god.

I'm about to talk again, my mouth opening, when I finally see what she's looking at. My eyes travel through her line of sight.

In one hand, her right, she holds a razor, smeared with blood. I don't know what she holds in the other, if anything, because my eyes are glued on her left wrist.

Her whole forearm is covered in perfect rows of cuts. Some are scarred over, some are still bleeding. In my shocked state, I see the most recent ones are still dripping steadily into the sink. Her arm lies against the side, as if it's so tired she can barely lift it.

"Fuck." I choke. I don't know what to do. She just continues to stand there, looking down. "Rose…" The blood is still dripping, even though there's already a large pool of it in the sink. Her fingers twitch, covered in red streaks as the blood runs down her arm.

"I-I'm sorry." She whispers, voice heavy with tears. Now she's crying. I fall back into memories with Lissa, when she used to do this thing. I didn't know what to do then, so I sure as hell don't know what to do now. "I fell…"

I almost laugh at her desperate lie, but I'm nearly crying myself. My eyes sting with unshed tears. Not knowing what to do other than just be there for her, I grab her and hold her hands in mine, waiting until she meets my eyes. I give her the kindest look I can, not wanting her to be afraid.

"Everything's going to be okay." I tell her, even if it's a lie. "I'm not going to hurt you." Her blood calls to me, but I push back the urge, disgusted with myself.

Rose nods, a sob breaking her lips apart. "Please don't tell anyone," she begs, "especially not Liss or anyone, please-" Her words shudder, as if they are caught in her throat. I hear her blood splatter as it falls onto the floor.

"I won't, Rose." I promise her, beginning to choke on tears of my own. She's freezing, so I let go of her hands and pull her into a hug. Her whole body, usually admired for strength and beauty, is shaking. She's a fragile as a little girl. The razor falls soundlessly from her now limp fingers and quietly hits the ground.

I let her head rest against my chest and cross my arms round her shoulders, holding her tightly so she can cry. Now that she can't see me, I let out a sob, wishing I could protect her, my friend, my sister. Her arms finally move as she wraps them around my waist. She's freezing, but her blood is warm as it soaks through my t-shirt. We both don't care.

With gentle hands, I stroke her hair, wishing I could somehow warm her up. She's in shock, I think. I don't know. I just know that I need her to feel safe.

This is how, I realize, she has been dealing with Mason's death. She's been suffering for weeks and none of us noticed. She's been hiding, just to protect us from her pain. The thought makes me cry almost as hard as her.

We both cry wordlessly for a long time.

When I pull back, her eyes are shadowed and bloodshot, her face pale. She hasn't stopped shaking yet. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay? You're safe." I tell her, one hand still softly touching her hair. She simply nods, looking more broken and as innocent as I have ever seen anybody.

I bite my lip, not really knowing where to start. There's blood everywhere, mixed in with tears. With kind eyes, I hold one of her hands and lean over to turn on the shower.

I gently sit with her on the side of the bathtub, holding the shower head from the wall so that I can rinse her arms. She holds them out for me as I tenderly wash away the blood with the warm water. The drain runs red and I don't stop until it is clear.

I've never really used first aid stuff before, but I try my best. With delicate movements, I rub some antiseptic onto her cuts, cringing when I hear her whimper from the sting. I apologise and press some medical pads over the damage before wrapping everything up in gauze. When I'm done, I take her hand again, wanting to get all the comfort I can through the simple contact.

After helping her stand and walk over to her suitcase in the bedroom, I find some clothes for her to change into. A black long sleeved top and a pair of leggings look the most comfortable, so I pass them to her. She blushes softly and I can't think of anything other than how thankful I am that some colour is coming into her cheeks. When she gives the bathroom a frightened look, I let her change in the bedroom, taking the short time to quickly clean the other room.

I flush away the bloody tissues and throw the towel used to clean in the floor in the bin. I'm not sure what to do with the razor. I pick it up and wash it in the sink, realizing by the logo that it was one of mine. With a shudder, I take all of the other razors from the cabinet and hide them in the best place I can. Then, with a sigh, I flush the dirty razor Rose had used down the toilet.

_Fuck. This feels like a nightmare_, I reflect unhappily as I change into some clean clothes that I can sleep in.

Before I leave, I remember the state of Rose's tear stained face, so I grab a warm wash cloth and a hairbrush.

Rose stands in the middle of the room, fingers tugging on her sleeves. I pull her to my bed, not wanting her to sleep on the floor, and spend a while silently washing her face. Her eyes close tiredly as I soothingly guide the cloth over her features.

I'm brushing her hair until it begins to shine, the way Lissa likes hers, when Rose speaks again. Her raspy voice makes me cringe, but I don't halt my movements.

"I'm so sorry, Christian."

I shake my head. "Don't apologise. I should be the one saying sorry for everything you have been through."

She closes her eyes again, exhaustion beginning to find its way into her system. "Please don't tell."

"I won't. Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay." She whispers. I tuck her into the covers tell her goodnight, turning off the lights and shuffling over to the makeshift bed on the floor. Everyone will be wondering where we are, but it doesn't matter.

All that matters is that Rose feels safe.

* * *

_A/N So, I hope you liked it and please tell me what you thought- I love constructive criticism! And ahh, I have no idea how LuPeters and Dimka's chick guessed that Christian would find out first, but you were right. xD I know that some people wish that Dimitri would have found out, but I don't think he would have yet. With Dimitri, Rose's guard is up, she won't take any chances. Christian, however, well- they're sharing a room, so she wouldn't have been able to hide it much longer. And, do not worry, although I ship Rose x Christian, this is a pure Dimitri x Rose fanfiction. :) I love you all and you're just all so supportive- I want to give you all a massive hug. :')_

_If you review I will love you forever and ever. :)_


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN || fragile**

* * *

When I wake up, my arm is laying under the covers giving out a steady ache. I didn't have a nightmare last night, but I'm still exhausted- probably from shock.

Visions of last night assaulted my tired eyes; the never ending blood, the taste of bile in my throat when he walked in, Christian's face as he sobbed. As much as I want to stay in bed for the rest of my life, I know I have to face him.

Unsurprisingly, he's awake when I lean over the side of the bed. He looks uncomfortable on the tiny make shift bed, but smiles at me kindly as soon as he sees my face. Before I can even open my mouth to speak, he interrupts.

"If you're going to say you're sorry one more time, I might just have to slap you."

I give him a reassuring grin. "I was just going to say how comfortable this bed was. Are these feather down pillows?"

He gives me a mocking glare and looks at the too small blankets he is lying on that I had set up previously. "You're shorter than I thought. And yes, they are, although I think I prefer your cushion- is this made of some kind of brick?" He throws my pillow at me so I chuck it back, laughing when I hear the thwack as it crashes against his face. "Damn. You sure are grumpy in the morning."

We laugh awkwardly for a few moments, both of us wishing last night never happened.

"Shall we talk on the way to first lesson?" He asks me, glancing at the clock. We have half an hour until we need to leave. I nod, thankful for the thinking time.

I steal the shower first, beating Christian to the bathroom, insanely glad that he cleared everything last night. A twinge of guilt hits me, but I push it back. It was just some blood, I'm sure he didn't mind wiping it up. I shudder, hating how I had stupidly forgotten to lock the door.

What am I supposed to do? Panic stills me with every thought that rushes through me.

As much as I want to stall and hide in the bathroom for the rest of my life, I know that Christian wants a shower too. I finish up quickly, wincing as I peel back the bandage from my cuts. They're deeper than I thought. Too tired to bother with fixing myself up, I pull on a hoodie and let them rub against the material, trying not to let the anxiety consume me.

"Why?"

That is the first word that comes out of Christian's mouth when we are walking together to his first lesson.

Why? I ask myself. Why do I do this? Why do I feel like this? I just do. There is a not a good enough answer that I can give him, at least not one that makes sense. I cut to feel pain, but I also cut to feel nothing. I cut for punishment, for control. I cut for colour and red and sensation and interest.

I almost enjoy it, this bittersweet power over myself. No. I do enjoy it. Not in such an exact sense, but in the way that it seems to transport me to a different place. The moment that the razor cuts through my skin, I am completely focused. How much can I bleed? How deep can I go? Do I want it to hurt a little, or a lot?

Why do I cut? Because I want to.

The truth is definitely too private to share with anyone.

"It helps." I say simply, and by Christian's thoughtful nod he accepts the answer. We are silent for a moment longer, and then he speaks again.

"What am I supposed to do?" He groans, frustrated.

"Leave it." I almost whisper, a silent plea. I will beg if I have to. "Just drop it."

"I can't just let you do this to yourself."

"Please." I meet his eyes. "I'll stop." I lie.

He laughs then, broken with sudden restrained anger. "That's just what Lissa said and then later that night she was doing it again. It took me days to persuade her to stop, and I still can't trust her."

"I am not Lissa!" I say, my cheeks flushing. "Really, I won't do it again. Just don't tell anybody. It's not that bad."

Christian grabs my arm, yanking up my sleeve. The cuts glare at us, some of them beginning to bleed slightly. "This is worse than Lissa ever did. Besides, how can I trust you to look after her when you can't even look after yourself?"

The words hit me hard and I inwardly flinch. Christian still holds my arm, unafraid, angry. His protection for Liss would go further than his relationship for anybody would ever go. He will tell somebody about me if it concerns Lissa. I will have to stop.

"I will stop." I lie again, putting as much strength as I can into the words. He stares at me for a while longer, and then releases my arm, letting it fall against my side. As I'm pulling down my sleeve, he apologises.

The kind Christian is back again, the one that held me the night before. "I'm sorry." He says. "But you have no choice, you have to stop. I can tell Liss' counsellor, or if you would prefer I can tell Dimitri-"

"No!" The shout breaks my lips open, my whole body shivering. "Don't tell Dimitri." My eyes begin to sting. "He can't know, please don't tell him. And if I went to a counsellor then he would find out."

Christian is silent for a moment, thinking. I plead to him with my eyes. If Dimitri found out, he would never understand, he would hate me.

"They will never let me be a Guardian." I remind him.

Frustration running through him, he looks away, glaring into the distance.

"I'll stop. Trust me."

He nods, still refusing to meet my gaze. We continue walking to his first lesson of the day, the guilt of lies weighing heavy on my shoulders; dragging me down.

The day passes slowly, but my mood slowly begins to improve. The anxiety starts to disappear around third lesson, when I realize Christian isn't going to scream out my secret in the middle of class. I'm just standing at the back of the class in all his lessons, and although it is boring, it allows me time to think about nothing in particular.

At the end of the day, I'm walking back with Christian. It's cold outside, so I pull my hoodie sleeves further down, trying to warm my hands. Not surprisingly, Jesse shows up, and he gives me his signature cocky grin. I glare in a way in that I hope looks to be menacing. His grin falters for a moment, but he continues towards us.

"Hathaway and Ozera," He begins, still smiling. "Have you seen Princess Lissa anywhere?"

I look at him with angry, wide eyes. "Do not go near her." Jesse holds up his hands in surrender, chuckling lightly.

"No promises."

With a sudden protective anger, I lunge towards Jesse, but Christian quickly grabs me and pulls me away and quickly whispers loudly in my ear. "Rose, guardian!"

I spin around to see Dimitri, dressed as a Strogoi, coming towards us. I quickly pull Christian behind me, and even give Jesse a quick shove, which was slightly harder than it probably should have been.

I meet Dimitri halfway after pulling out my practise stake, and dodge a kick he makes towards my chest. I swing around him and try to use my strength against him, but he moves too fast and pushes me backwards. I'm exhausted. I can't be bothered to even think right now, let alone fight. Dimitri lands a punch on arm and then my stomach. A gasp escapes me, the wind knocked out of me.

Dimitri's eyes meet mine then, and through his mask I can see the gentle stirring of concern. It pisses me off. I am not weak.

With a hard shove, I regain my stance and throw a punch to his gut. He dodges, but I use that to my advantage. Moving as fast as I can, I hook my leg around his calf and pull him towards me while shoving him with my opposite arm. He falls to the ground, but the position makes me fall on top of him.

He turns me over and the force of it makes my head hit against the damp concrete. Dark spots appear due to the blow, but I ignore them. Relentlessly, I turn us around again and before Dimitri has the chance to hit me, I press the plastic stake against his chest.

Even more exhausted, I close my eyes, trying to block out the oncoming headache. I feel Dimitri lean forwards, with me still straddling him. Gently, he lifts me off his lap so he can stand and pulls me up next to him.

"Rose? Are you hurt?" He asks softly, and I feel his hands on my shoulders._ Yes, I am hurt. I'm exhausted. I want the field experience to be over. I want to go back to my room and cut myself without anybody knowing. _Answering his question is pointless, but I do it anyway. "I hit my head, but it's fine."Reluctantly, I open my eyes.

The first thing I notice is Dimitri's face. His caring brown eyes looking right through me. The next thing I notice is the figure behind me. Mason. His lips are trying to mouth something to me, but I'm too distracted by his eyes- sad and cold. Guilt makes me look away.

I step back from Dimitri's almost embrace, and walk towards Christian. "Want to go back?" He asks. I nod simply.

To my surprise, he takes my hand. I look down and notice a fresh blood stain coming through my hoodie. His arm just manages to conceal it. I smile at him, but it probably comes out more like a grimace. Smiling is exhausting too.

Jesse is gone, but I'm worried about why he wants to find Liss. Dimitri is behind me and I can feel his eyes burning through me.

I sigh. Mason's reappearance making me feel empty once again. Thankfully, nobody says a word. Christian just leads me to his room, directing me because I can barely be bothered to see. I lay down on my bed on the floor, and stare at the wall.

"You saw Mason again?" He asks, and I nod.

"Why won't he leave me alone?" I ask, but he does not reply, he does not have an answer to my craziness.

Alone, I lay on the floor, wishing that sleep would drag me under but knowing it would never come soon enough.

* * *

_A/N Sorry for such a slow update, I've been really down recently and I haven't had much time to myself. I'm going to start updating every couple of days beginning tomorrow. :) I love you guys, more than you could ever imagine. :) Stay strong, beautiful. xx_


	12. IMPORTANT AN AND CHAPTER PREVIEW

A/N Hey guys!

This is just a quick note explaining why I haven't been updating. :)

For the last couple of months, I've been feeling really down. I literally have zero motivation and writing just isn't coming to me. I've tried to write the next chapter so many times, but I feel so disconnected that it just doesn't make sense.

I'm going to be honest with you all. I'm suicidal, I feel like shit, and I don't know how long this story will take me to finish. But I WILL finish it, no matter what.

Also, I was reading back on some of my chapters, and I think my self harm scenes are too graphic. :/ I might go back and delete some parts because I'd rather die than trigger somebody else.

Please try and understand that my recovery is more important than this story right at the moment. I love you guys. It's your messages and reviews that help keep me going.

Stay strong. xx

* * *

(chapter 12 preview) RPOV

...

I feel lightweight. I feel powerful, secretive. I'm winning a game they have no idea I am playing. I am surviving, all by myself. I am not fragile, I am strong.

* * *

"Aren't you going to eat something?" Liss asks me, giving me shocked looks when I walk straight past the food section and pick up a bottle of water, my appetite nonexistent. I smile and tell her that I had breakfast with Christian, and he turns and gives me a disapproving look, but says nothing. We sit together on a lunch table, while Eddie stands against the wall so that he can check the area for practice Strogoi.

Liss takes small bites out of her roll and my stomach twists. I'm starving, but the thought of actually eating makes me feel gross- as if it could take away the light feeling and leave me feeling heavy and confused again. Determined to stay in control of my body, I ignore the hunger pains.

"How are you doing in the field experience?" Liss asks kindly. I bite my lip. I'm losing, but I lie.

"Great. I've definitely improved after what happened with Stan." Christian gives me a sharp look, but remains silent. Quickly, I come up with the first thing to distract them from the subject, not wanting to go into the nonexistent detail. "I'm looking forward for the next attack. Oh, Eddie, do you want to switch? I haven't done faraway guard much." Eddie looks confused, as I am pretty much always the faraway guard, but switches with me swiftly. As I stand, my eyes darken for a moment. I'm dizzy; I must have been sitting for too long.

I listen to their conversation, making sure I continue to check the room and protect them. Christian asks Lissa about some kind of date in the church, but she hesitates. "I might be a bit late. I've got catch up and homework- I don't want to fall behind." Everyone looks at her. Her work is always perfect, always up to date. "I have extra credit." Everyone accepts her lie, but not me. Lissa is hiding something.

"Christian? Walk with me to the toilets." Christian gives me a look which says 'now? really?' but I ignore it and grab his arm, dragging him away from the table. When we're alone, I'm about to question him on Lissa's lie when I hear sudden noises back down the corridor. A chair falling, a squeal. "Lissa!" I gasp, spinning round to see what's happening. The quick move almost makes me lose my footing.

A Strogoi- well, Dimitri- lunges towards Eddie, but he moves quickly and blocks the attack. Keeping my Moroi behind me, I run to the scene and grab Lissa, ignoring my light-headedness. Christian holds her hand. I look around. No more guardians. Just Dimitri.

Eddie falters for a moment, stumbling backwards over the falling chair. His head hits on the edge of the table. He's disorientated. I want to help him, but I have to protect the Moroi. Dimitri runs over to Eddie and kicks his stake away. With a simple lunge, he grabs Eddie's neck.

"You're dead, but good work." Dimitri declares quickly. "Is your head okay?"

Eddie nods, and so Dimitri turns on me.

* * *

The finished chapter 12 should be up in a week or so, or three weeks at the most, since it's half finished. This chapter is really long, so hopefully the wait will be worth it. :)

xx


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